I really feel like I ought to tackle up entrance that I’m, in no way, a Cardinals fan. I’m sorry. I simply don’t personal any jorts. But when I used to be a Cardinals fan, I’d be pissed. Cardinals followers ought to overlook the pink birds. It’s best to have pink asses proper now. Everytime you take a look at that finely dressed John Mozeliak, you need to really feel like Jesse Pinkman.
Except for Kyle Gibson (the greatest pitcher in baseball history) and Sonny Grey, this group has not improved this offseason. Not solely has Mo has missed on practically each commerce he’s made over the past decade (shout out, Randy Arozorena!), he’s additionally missed on each signing this offseason, however I can all however guarantee you he’s but to overlook a web based sale at BrooksBrothers.com.
And this newest signing may as nicely be a slap to each Cardinals fan’s face.
Matt Carpenter –who final season’s greatest group in baseball Atlanta Braves stated wasn’t adequate to be on their roster for various days– is again with the birds on the bat. The hell?! Why?! Guess that .322 OBP was simply too onerous to cross up for Mo. I do know from expertise that the summers underneath the arch can get sizzling. I assume Carp fanning at pitches we’ll assist cool issues down. Then the Cardinals can save on in-stadium A/C, and if there’s one factor we all know the Cardinals prefer to be, it’s save their stacks and stacks of money. Simply because birds say low-cost, doesn’t imply it’s important to declare it too.
Personally, I assumed the Cardinals had been solely speculated to parade previous Cardinal greats on Opening Day, however now they’re doing it for 81 dwelling video games yearly. Two years in the past with Yadi and Pujols. Final 12 months with Waino. And now this 12 months with Carp and *checks notes* Lance Lynn?! Excuse me whereas I dry heave actual fast. What’s on deck for subsequent 12 months, Mo? Gonna watch for Kolten Wong’s batting common to dip one other .100 factors earlier than bringing him dwelling? Perhaps attempt kicking the tires on Lance Berkman once more. Can’t wait to see The Rally Squirrel enjoying left and batting sixth subsequent 12 months.
The Cardinals entrance workplace is stuffed with rednecks. That’s not a derogatory knock on social class, both. They’ve pink necks as a result of they’re perpetually creased from continuously trying again on the previous. Bear in mind 2011? David Freese! Bear in mind? Do you bear in mind? That previous girl from Titanic remembers passionate in-car lovemaking from 84 years in the past extra vividly than we will bear in mind when this franchise was a pressure in Main League Baseball. And should you’re a Cardinals fan getting offended by these phrases, you’re a part of the issue. You’re getting mad on the mistaken individual. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the bowtie. He’s the one who rolls out the identical product yearly and expects 2011 outcomes. And Mr. DeWitt lets him. Why? Since you preserve shopping for tickets. And merch. And jorts.
The Cardinals could not have made the playoffs, however at the very least they made financial institution. How do I do know? Cardinals president Invoice Dewitt III isn’t actually coy about the place their priorities lie.
The truth that he’s bragging about ticket gross sales within the offseason following their worst season since Todd Zeile was on the roster ought to let you know all it is advisable know. If this group really was all about profitable, the way in which they was, they’d present it in each aspect that they do enterprise and they’d not be happy, with something, till one other Commissioners Trophy (or ‘piece of steel’ because the precise commissioner calls it) is hoisted within the 314. It’s simply wild to me that on per week when the Cowboys introduced again Mike McCarthy after a 3rd straight disappointing 12 months, the Cardinals one-upped them by bringing again Mo for one more disappointing offseason. However hey, at the very least Mike McCarthy’s groups nonetheless make the playoffs.